5 Things From My 50's - just the sound of it, 5 in 20-25, multiples of 5 - always nice and easy, never difficult or unmanageable. My favourite kind of Maths. Even 727 is a form of 5... 7 minus 2 no matter if you're counting left to right or right to left.
My 50's - all neat ‘n tidy tens, and twos, and fives...10 years, 2 fives, 2 hands, 2 feet, 5 and 10 fingers, 5 and 10 toes... and as Holly Ruth Finigan points out: 5 is The Leo Number, 5th in line with the Sun. It all sounds so... rounded, easy-going, like full tires on a smooth road. But, neat and tidy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…
As Leo would have it, the past decade has been anything but a smooth ride [for any of us]. Leo, also being Leo, reminded me that it isn’t about the bumps. Yes, there are A LOT of them, but there’s no point counting them and adding them up because those numbers don't matter. The real matter is why - why was I on this road?
I now know fer sure - the journey through my 50's required a full tank… a full tank of Courage, straight from the heart, my very own heart, mon coeur. The only way to fill that tank was to tap into the full energy of my inner Leo, that quiet lion waiting within me.
I.
2015, I used my feet, and moved. My heart was permanently broken and the only way to heal it was to find peace within myself. I had to break up with myself, to ditch the me that always pretended everything is ok, to leave it all behind – and I mean, all of it - to stop expecting things to come to me from a place outside of my Self. I had to find it within.
II.
I used my hands - I made things. Juices, tinctures, herbal concoctions and bouquets - for the love of it - each one its own chemistry with a code and a message. And every time I made something, I asked my heart how are you feeling today? And every time I used my hands to serve, I asked another heart how are you feeling today?
III.
I used my heart - I kept it open. I kept writing - poems and stories - for the love of it. Writing was, and still is, the only way I am able to open up. Some people read my words, some never will. I’ve never counted, and I never will. That's the point, because nothing is meant to be read by everyone. And sometimes, numbers don't mean a thing.
IV.
I used my eyes - Every day I saw Beauty, no matter what. I knew that I was powerless to change things. I also knew that through the act of witnessing Beauty and remembering it amidst things too terrifying for me to describe, I was able to balance all measures. The act of Witnessing holds the greatest power of all - to change the course of things. I let that sink in.
V.
I used all my senses, and every cent ... Typical Leo, give it all you’ve got! I gave it my nose, my ears, my fingers and toes and all the knots in my stomach, but there is one thing I never really gave… my Voice. I don't know how to. I was too deeply wounded to speak of things I've never said out loud. Ever. And everyone I loved was furious with me and wanted one thing: for me to shut.up.
But the thing about Leo's is... We Roar.
In my 50's I fought for and found the Soul within me, the one shut up and set apart for far too long...
1. I fought for my life.
2. I fought for my son.
3. I fought for a home.
4. I fought for others in need, quietly without shouting.
5. And in true Leo form, I found my Soul's Strength for all of this fighting, and freeing.
It was there within me, not coming from outside of me. Like that quiet lion waiting, it was always there, waiting for me, all this time:
Ten years and 5,256,000 minutes –
That has a nice ring to it, lots of 5's and 2's and 1's and zeros... My 50's were the total sum of my days, hours, and minutes spent finding and fighting for my Life, my Heart, my Truth. I am courageous. I am brave. I am a Leo. And, as the last thing my mother said to me as she traced the outline of my face – I am “pure. And cute."
All of this is a gift beyond measure, because, like I said, sometimes numbers don't mean a thing, unless it’s Infinity, and let’s face it, there is no measure for Truth. We just know it when we know it, and when we know it, we're free - at last.